I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
