Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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