Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
