I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
