dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
