I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
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Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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