I'd wear matching sweaters with you
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
