i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
