Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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