I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize