if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
