So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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