Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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