She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
