I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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