you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
