were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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