I cut my penus on the lid.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
