there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
