I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
MIDGETS
????
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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