i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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