I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
