I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
