There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
