omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize