I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.