I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
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you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
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You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂