everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
