just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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