So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
