My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
