You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
