Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
