I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
