i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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