I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
