I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
