I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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