I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
