So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
