I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
