my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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