I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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