i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
