i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
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I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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