someone threw a dead crab at me
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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