The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
