the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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