Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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