so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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