Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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