remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
