Soap is not a condiment
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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