this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
