It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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