oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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