He disabled his match.com account in front of me
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
