Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
