; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
