it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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