So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
